2/6/2020
today is my birthday. i dont care. i was supposed to kill myself today. i havent, wont. i did cut. my cake was pretty good, it was a japanese style cheesecake. its not really the kind i wanted but i think it was pretty good and i appreciate my mom's effort to make it. im surprised that she made something for me. most years my birthday gets forgotten. i dont blame them for forgetting, i dont deserve another birthday. i probably will only have one or two more, so maybe i should start to savor them. idk.

5/28/2020
i hate zoloft. it doesnt help. it makes my brain think worse thoughts. i cant feel any of my self injury, so i do it worse on it. ive started having homicidal thoughts. i would never act on them, i am not a violent person, they are just very distressing. i would kill myself before i hurt someone else. i broke my clean streak from cutting today. i only got to styro. i shouldve gone to fat. too late now. i need to do a lot of school work this week. i guess i will have to do it tomorrow. i miss my teachers and friends. i dont miss having threats made to the school and them letting those students stay enrolled. i dislike that. i also hate how people that threaten me are allowed to do so with no repercusions from the school. maybe its because i am transgender. i hope not. i would prefer it if that was not the case.